Dirty Pictures
by SisterTenenbaum
Summary: He'll help just a little, he supposes. Just to get her out of his system...er...hair. J/H
1. Chapter 1

Rating: T

Title: Dirty Pictures

Summary: He'll help just a little, he supposes. Just to get her out of his system…er…hair. J/H

Author's Note: After lurking in this fandom for almost a year, I've finally decided to try my hand. Here is the result.

Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with That 70's Show, Thanksgiving, or the Ice Capades.

* * *

Steven Hyde wasn't a dreamer. He refused to pull on the wishbone at Thanksgiving, and he'd laugh in the face of somehow who dared to hold an eyelash out to him. Lately, though, he'd found himself wishing for all sorts of things... things that he would never have, and things that he wouldn't even want. It pissed him off. So he decided to make a deal with God, or Buddha, or whoever. He promised to stop thinking about stupid girly crap like unicorns necklaces, if God would just make her change.

He thought that was probably why he couldn't get her out of his head. She was still exactly the same as she was at seventeen, and it was sickening, and it was pathetic, and it was forcing him to relive the god awful time he spent with her over and over until he thought his brain might explode. What kind of nineteen-year-old woman still wore pigtails anyway?

His mind started to float at this thought, and, before he could stop himself, she was there, plunked down on his lap. It was summer, and the basement was hot because Red's way too big of a cheap ass to buy a fan. Jackie was squirming in his lap, giggling at the rerun of 'The Partridge Family' she had somehow conned him into watching. Her shorts were riding up with each movement, and he couldn't help but stare. A trickle of red, syrupy juice fell from the Popsicle in her right hand, and traced a path from the top of her thigh to the inside corner, disappearing into the pink cotton of her shorts. He could see a little bit of her underwear, peeking out from where the shorts stood out from her leg. It was white, with little yellow flowers and green leaves, and he'd seen sexier panties before, but he'd never wanted to touch anything so badly. Instead, he reached up and grabbed one of the thick curls hanging from her left pigtail.

He blinked to clear his mind, and then looked down to see his fingers moving, fingering slowly through imaginary brunette strands that he would never actually touch again. This was exactly why he needed God to make her change. He wasn't picky, really. Maybe she could move to Nantucket and start a pig farm. Maybe she could get into roller derby and get all muscular and mannish. He really didn't care, as long as she stopped doing what she was doing currently. He couldn't stand another day of her prancing into the basement, covered in ribbons and lace, gabbing about Donny Osmond's comeback. Yesterday, she had worn a green shirt, with a pink sweater vest over it, and he had nearly snapped. It wasn't so much the outfit, though, as it was her complete disregard for its sanctity. He refused to believe that she didn't remember. The image of him tugging that vest over her head had to be as firmly ingrained in her mind as the image is in his, or else he was crazy. She had to remember the feel of his fingers pushing that pink shirt over her bare shoulders as well as he recalled the feel of her flesh under his, or else he was the only one still holding on.

Steven Hyde didn't do 'holding on'. He was a free man; free to do whatever he wanted, and spend as much time in the circle as he wanted to, and to fantasize about the glory days of high school as often as he saw fit. So he had pretended not to care about the way that she absently tugged on a loose thread, causing a small hole to form in the hem. He knew she would be mad when she saw it. He was glad.

So today, when she flounced into the basement and plopped down with a sigh, he was not at all curious as to what was going on in her little brain. He looked over slyly and swallowed when he saw her short, flowered sundress. He supposed one day is pretty quick to receive an answer to prayer. He would allow a few more days for Him to think over the offer.

She sighed again.

"God, Jackie, what's your problem?" he groaned. He was always pissed off when he talked to her lately.

"Nothing," she harrumphed.

"Good," he snapped, grabbing his sunglasses from their spot on his lap and pushing them on. "Then I don't want to hear any more whiny freaking sighs from you. I want to watch TV in peace."

"That's cool," she said, shrugging her shoulders, and suddenly, he was mad. He was really mad.

"Don't try to pull that Zen crap on me, Jackie," he said, and his voice was a little louder than he meant it to be. "I invented Zen."

"Whatever," she lilted.

He opened his mouth, but then closed it.

"Fine," he said, leaning back in his seat.

He could tell she was smiling.

It pissed him off.

"What are you doing here?" he asked after a moment, because he just couldn't seem to let things be.

"Waiting for Donna," she answered quickly, her attention never wavering from the television set.

"Where's Fez?" he asked.

"My guess would be either eating candy that he found under our couch or perving over dirty pictures of me."

"You let him take dirty pictures of you?" He quickly shrugged afterward, hoping that his voice didn't sound as indignant as he thought it might have. She never let him take dirty pictures of her.

"He took them while I was asleep," she shrugged. "But anyway, he's my boyfriend and our love making is our personal business."

He remembered her saying something similar to Kelso about their relationship at one point.

"Believe me, I don't want to know anymore than you want to tell me," he said, attempting to convey his disgust at the idea.

"I'm surprised, actually," she said. "I would think the idea of two people as good looking as Fez and I getting it on would be like fantasy material to your perverted mind."

"Oh, I think Sam left behind enough images to satisfy me for a good long while," he said, never turning his eyes from the television set.

Dropping the name of his biggest mistake had its desired effect. She shut up.

After a few more moments of watching television in silence, she got up and left. For once, his eyes didn'tt follow her, and he felt really proud. Then he heard her footsteps on the stairs, one trudging slowly after the other, and he felt like a jerk.

She used to be bouncy.

He distinctly remembered her being bouncy.

And then he didn't know what to do, because even though he hated her, he never meant to steal her bounce.

Sighing, he removed his sunglasses and rubbed his hands over his eyes, thinking hard. Then he was struck with inspiration. It's Fez. It's gotta be Fez, not him, who was getting her so down. Why had she come down there in the first place? To talk to Donna! Probably to whine for hours about her relationship problems! Why would she care what he, Hyde, said to her? They were way over and there was no way all that stripper crap was still bothering her the way it was still bothering him. No, it had to be Fez.

"But what do I care?" he said aloud, before quickly looking around furtively and turning up the television a little. He knew that inside he's driving himself crazy with memories, but he'd be damned if he's going to have to be labeled as the guy who talks to himself by someone like Red or Kelso.

He heard footsteps on the stairs again, and quickly put his hands behind his head, leaning back.

Donna slipped into the room and gently closed the door behind her. Her movements were uncharacteristically graceful. Something was up.

"What's with the sneaking?" Hyde asked, causing a startled Donna to whirl around.

"God, Hyde," she exclaimed, coming over to sit next to him on the couch, "way to give a girl a heart attack."

"So?" he asked after a moment.

"So… Jackie's on the prowl," sighed Donna. "She's after me to let her give me a makeover, and quite frankly, I don't think my self esteem can handle it today."

"She seems kinda weird lately."

"Who?"

"Who are we talking about? Jackie!"

"Why would you be talking about Jackie?" Donna sat up a bit, looking interested.

"I don't care about her," Hyde said quickly, then immediately chastised himself. "Um… that is to say, she's being a little more annoying than usual lately, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess," Donna said slowly after a moment of looking at him strangely. "A little."

He stared at her.

She stared back.

He wished that he had paid a little more attention to Foreman and all of his crap about 'The Force'. If only he could have just waved his hand in front of Donna's face and made her spill her guts.

"I guess things with Fez just aren't working out the way she thought," Donna finally offered.

"I figured," said Hyde, hiding a small smile. It's not that he wanted Jackie unhappy, necessarily. He didn't care. He just didn't want her happier than him.

"Why do you care, anyway? Are you looking for something new to throw in her face?" asked Donna, no real malice in her voice.

"No reason," he said nonchalantly, feeling slightly smug. "I'm just sick of listening to her moaning."

"Yeah, well, okay," said Donna, standing up and stretching. "I've got to get a move on. I can't stay in one place for too long. She should work for the FBI, seriously. No criminal would ever stand a chance."

Hyde remained in the same spot long after Donna left, thinking. So Jackie and Fez weren't the dream couple after all. Well, big surprise! He could have told them that from day one. Really, it served her right, after everything that went down in Chicago. She didn't deserve to be happy. Still… he thought of the sound of her footsteps on the stairs, and the way her legs had looked in those pink sandals she had been wearing earlier.

He'd help a little, he supposed. Just to get her out of his hair. Not because he never meant to steal her bounce or anything. He would never say any girly crap like that. Who said that anyway? Donna?

He'd always known what to do to make Jackie happy. He just... hadn't tried. He was lazy, and he was not romantic, and if she'd really loved him, she'd have stuck by him no matter how he treated her. If she had done that, he would have known for sure, and then maybe he could have... but this isn't about his and Jackie's failed relationship. This is about Jackie and Fez, and his last chance to get her out of his system... er... his hair.

He picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hey Fez," he says after a moment. "I hear the Ice Capades are in Kenosha this weekend. Oh, you already got tickets? I should have known. But anyway, I had this idea... it's about Jackie..."


	2. Chapter 2

Rating: T

Title: Dirty Pictures

Summary: He'll help just a little, he supposes. Just to get her out of his system…er…hair. J/H

Author's Note: I am ridiculously sorry for how long this has taken. I've been busy with school and just not that inspired, but don't worry cause I've totally got this worked out now and I'm back on track. Also, I've gone back and changed the tense in the first part to past because the present thing just wasn't working with this story. This is a comedy/romance, not angsty introspection on the part of Hyde. The initial chapter was mainly set up for what will be a much more dialogue-based story in the future. I hope the tense change makes that clear.

Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with That 70's Show, the Ice Capades, or records that are basically heavy metal with chicks screaming in the background.

* * *

"And then, during the intermission, Fez said he was going to go get popcorn, and he was taking forever, and I was getting worried that he was going to miss the start of the second half when suddenly, I looked out onto the ice, and there he was, skating across the rink holding a huge sign that said, "I love you, Jackie!" and, oh my God, it was so romantic! You all should have been there!" Jackie paused in her monologue to stare dreamily out at her audience, all of whom were staring at her with varying degrees of disgust on their faces.

"Wow, Jackie," said Donna, smiling somewhat ironically. "That's really something."

"Yeah, something only a freaking pansy would do," called Kelso. "Burn!"

"How pathetic," Eric agreed, before turning to Fez and whispering loudly, "Very impressive, my friend, I'm taking notes."

"What can I say?" asked Fez. "She is my lady and I aim to please."

"Oh Fezzie," sighed Jackie, clutching his arm. "You're such a dreamboat."

Hyde couldn't help himself. He scoffed.

"Oh, did you have something to add, Hyde?" asked Jackie, her eyes narrowing as they landed on him.

Hyde fought the urge to tell her the truth, that it was all his idea, and that Fez was more akin to a broken down canoe than a dreamboat.

"Nothing," he said finally.

"Yeah, I didn't think so," Jackie spat back before settling back into her place at Fez's side. 

"So Kelso," said Donna after a moment of awkward silence. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I came back for you, Big Red," he said, playfully swinging his arm over her shoulders. 

"Brooke kicked you out, didn't she?"

"Whatever, Hyde!" Kelso exclaimed, crossing his arms over his chest with a huff. "You don't know anything."

"Man, I still can't believe she got with you in the first place, let alone let you move in with her," marveled Hyde.

"What can I say? Molly Hatchet does things to that woman," said Kelso, smirking.

"Ugh, the testosterone in here is choking me," said Jackie, standing up. "I'm leaving."

"Donna!"

"Coming, Jackie," said Donna, sighing as she followed the shorter girl from the room.

"Ah, alone at last," sighed Kelso, sitting back on the couch and folding his hands behind his head.

"So do you guys want to..." 

"Jackie will not do it with me!" 

Hyde, Eric, and Kelso slowly turned to stare at their agitated foreign friend.

"What do you mean?" asked Hyde. "You mean after last night, with the ice capades, you two didn't...?"

"I got nothing!" cried Fez. "Well, I did get a peek at her in the shower, but it doesn't count if she doesn't know about it!"

"Wow..." said Hyde, "Man, that..."

"Don't worry about it, Fez," Kelso patted his friend's back comfortingly. "Jackie's legs are like a steel trap. They take a lot of presents and favors to open."

"How is that like a steel trap, Kelso?" asked Eric, looking baffled.

Fez and Kelso exchanged exasperated looks.

"Anyway, like I was saying," said Kelso, "you gotta be smooth, man. You can't just be like, 'let's do it' with Jackie. You gotta trick her into it and then hope that she doesn't figure out what's happening until it's too late. Right, Hyde?"

Hyde simply stared ahead.

"Whatever, man," said Kelso before turning to Fez. "Let's go! I wanna get my experiment all set up on Jackie's bed before she gets back to your place and stops me."

"Oooh, I cannot wait!" cried Fez, clapping his hands together.

"What are you guys talking about?" asked Eric suspiciously.

"Well, let's just say that, after tomorrow, Buzz Armstrong won't be the best looking guy to have gone into outer space and met the aliens anymore…" said Kelso, trailing off with a smirk.

"How cryptic," said Eric dryly before pulling a football helmet out from behind him and tossing it to Kelso.

"Oh, good call, man!" exclaimed Kelso. "I was counting on my hair to protect my head but this will look a little sweeter in the pictures."

"Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking," replied Eric.

Kelso grinned happily for a second before motioning to Fez. The two skedaddled out the door and up the stairs, whispering feverishly.

"So Hyde, you were pretty quiet throughout that scholarly conversation," said Eric almost as soon as the door shut. "Almost... too quiet."

Hyde only grunted in response.

"It's strange, really," said Eric, popping up off the couch and beginning to pace. "I never though about it much before, but you always kept pretty silent about that part of your relationship with Jackie. When she was with Kelso, all we ever heard was him whining about how she hated sex and what a frigid..."

"Alright, man, lay off her," Hyde interjected at this point.

"Cool it, Casanova," said Eric, "I was just repeating what I heard. I have no... experience with," he paused to shudder at this point,"...Jackie... in that department. I hope you appreciate how difficult it was for me to even mention the notion of doing THAT holiest of all things with the devil. But to get back to my point, why haven't I ever heard one little peep of complaint out of you? That seems weird to me."

"Oh, that seems weird to you? Unlike a twenty year old guy who still gets bedtime stories read to him by his mommy?" Hyde asked mockingly.

"First of all, it was a Star Wars novel, and second, she's really good at doing the voices!" Eric defended himself. "But don't try to change the subject, sly. Tell me about sex with Jackie!"

"There's nothing to tell, man," said Hyde. "It was what it was."

"Which was...?"

"Fine," said Hyde. Then he swallowed. "You know... good, or whatever."

"For you or for her?" asked Eric.

"Well, let me put it this way," said Hyde, smirking a bit. "Remember that record I got that summer Donna went to California that your parents hated so much?"

"That one that was basically super loud metal with the occasional girl screaming in the background? God, that sucked. I'm glad you got rid of it."

"Let's just say, there was no girl screaming on the record," said Hyde, leaning back into his chair.

"You mean..."

Hyde smirked.

"But that screaming was... I mean, it was..." Eric looked flabbergasted.

Hyde just nodded.

"Yeah, I gotcha," said Eric, leaning back in his seat and grinning a little. "I read you loud and clear, captain. Fez doesn't stand a chance."


End file.
